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He's staying with his wife |
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Dear Jane,
I had an affair with a married man (co-worker). 2 years into this we both honestly love each other. I filed for a divorce 7 months ago. Daily this married man told me he wanted to marry me and be a part of my life. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. His wife makes most of the income at home and uses threats about his children. He has 2 children and I have 2 children. We even went as far as telling our spouses. His wife chose to deny it, while my husband couldn't deal with it. Thats when the divorce came up. Out of nowhere one Sunday morn at 7:13 he calls and tells me he no longer wants anything to do with me. I was completely shocked to say the least. It has been 2 weeks and I haven't heard from him. I don't know whether to search for answers or just let him go. I love him with all my heart. HELP!!
Tonya
Dear Tonya,
You must be completely devastated, yet you must always have known this was likely to happen -- even if you didn’t want to face the knowledge. There was always a good chance your ex-lover would choose to stay with his wife and children. In leaving them he would have to face a lower standard of living, with children who are not his own, and who may well resent him. It’s only in dreams that love conquers all. In real adult life, it compromises. He has compromised. Life with his wife isn’t perfect. Life with you would be even less so, because of practical issues. Your task now is to forget and move on.
At the moment I imagine you'll find you’re continually asking "why?" When this chain of questions comes into your mind, say "Stop." It will get easier, believe me. The fact is that what has happened,has happened. He is not going to ring -- unless, when the dust has died down, he feels he can restart a sexual relationship with you while keeping his comfortable family life intact. You must resist any such attempt. You have been a ‘bit on the side’ for two years. You owe yourself more than that.
You need your mental energy now for rebuilding your life and your family’s. Do you continue to work with your ex-lover -- since he is a co-worker? Can you live with your husband and repair your relationship, since you have started a divorce? He has been hurt and betrayed. You owe him at the very least compassion, respect and consideration. You can’t expect, let alone demand, forgiveness. And, most important of all, what about your children?
Looked at all together like that, these issues seem overwhelming. I suggest you write them all down, and make plans to deal with them, with plan Bs if the first plan doesn't work out. This will help you form a calmer idea of the future you can make for yourself.
I also suggest that you list all your interests and all the things you are or have been good at or enjoy doing. To some extent this affair probably helped fill an urge for change, development, and challenge. Listing your abilities, talents and resources like this will help you focus on other ways to fill your need for growth. Right now, in shock, this advice probably seems ridiculous. But it holds the seeds of your way forward.
Jane
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