Dear Jane,
I am so depressed. I can't sleep at night. I hate myself. I hate my life. I feel worthless. I feel like a failure. I feel that my family don't love me. I always just sit and cry all the time when I'm alone. My biggest problem is my sisters and brothers. I do for them but no one will do for me in return. My mom has 13 children and none of us really get alone. It really hurts me because I love all my sisters and brothers and I know that my mom would want us to be close to each other. My depression started when my mother died in 2001. She was my heart and my whole world. She was the only one that I could sit down and talk to. I MISS her so much.
On top of all the drama going on in my family my husband and I are also having problems. He gets mad with me about any little thing I do. I hate when he call me and tell me he is on his way home from work. I start thinking of things that he might get angry with me about for I can try to fix it before he gets here. I wish was perfect and happy like other people. I never get a break, I'm always doing something for someone else. I can't work because I don't have no one to get my two daughters off the bus. My husband treats me like I'm his child unstead of his wife. No one takes me serious when I tell them that I am depressed. When I try to talk to my husband about the way I feel he will tell me that he don't want to hear that because all I do is complain all the time. So I stop telling him. It is eating me up side something it hurts so bad that it feels like my heart is going to burst open. I have thought about killing myself many of times to make the pain that I'm feeling go away. I think that I am fat and ugly. I HATE myself. I'm only 28 years old I think that I should be enjoying life at this age. I need your advice. PLEASE HELP!!! PLEASE HELP!!! PLEASE HELP!!!
MR
Dear MR,
You have daughters, a husband, sisters and brothers. You're part of all their lives. So your priority is not to kill yourself. That means, right now, making an appointment with a health professional, telling him or her about these suicidal thoughts, and taking their advice.
But there's a lot you can do as well to feel better.
Your letter is full of very general complaints. You do for your siblings, they never do for you, you're always doing for someone else. You know, depressed thinking is full of 'never' and 'always'. But real life isn't. So, write down everything you have done for others this week. And what others have done for you. Your current negative view of life will mean you try to discount things that people have done for you -- oh, she only did this because it was on her way, she was going there anyway, she was only nice to me so I would agree to do x for her. Don't do this. People's motives are usually mixed and that includes yours.
Some things will emerge. First, the situation isn't as clearcut as you think. Second, you have a role in your family, a part to play. Why are you doing all these things for others? What would happen if you didn't do them? What would happen if you negotiated ... I'll baby-sit for you some evenings if you'll get my daughters off the bus? You are so uncomfortable in your family right now that things probably wouldn't get worse and might get a whole lot better. You would gain respect, and that helps clear up depression more than any pill.
What also helps is working. Maybe it just means you have some money of your own, probably it would give you more social contact outside your family, hopefully it would give you feelings of achievement and success, ideally it would also mean that you grew as a person and learnt new things. These are also great antidepressants. I suggest you calmly consider how you could work round your daughters' bus times. Maybe part-time work. Maybe an arrangement with someone else?
You need sleep and calm. I imagine you've read my replies to other people who felt depressed, and you know that B vitamins, Omega 3 (1000-2000 mg/day) and Theanine (up to six a day as needed) for calm are very important. If your health professional doesn't prescribe medication, add 5-HTP up to 2 three times a day, start with just one in the morning and take more if you feel it would be helpful), GABA to calm your anxiety and melatonin (start with 3 mg before bed, take more if needed, four or five nights a week) to help you sleep, if your health professional is happy about them. You must take your health professional's advice about supplements. He or she may feel there would be conflicts with any medication you are taking or should take.
Everything's made worse by not sleeping. I imagine that worries, resentments and misery keep you wakeful. The supplements above will help. So will having a snack and a few pieces of dark chocolate before bed. So will anything which gets this negative stuff out of your mind. You feel that if only you could tell people about the depths of your feelings, you'd feel better. The person who is there for that is your health professional. Your husband and family only need to hear one thing from you: 'I'm very depressed, I need help.' They do not need to hear all the negativity and complaints that your depressed mood is filling your mind with. Because when you --when ANY of us -- are depressed, our minds focus on the bad stuff. The more stressed we get (and depression is VERY stressful) the more everything bad from the past, every fear about the future, preoccupies us. This is because our minds are desperately trying to find a reason WHY we feel so bad. And, you know what, it always succeeds!
This simple fact can sometimes result in a lot of unhelpful therapy. Just about everyone has some childhood issues. Many people have very heavy and even tragic things in their lives. They are not necessarily mired in depression. So spending a lot of time talking over the bad stuff isn't likely to make you feel better -- in fact, research shows it would probably make you feel worse. Because that bad stuff in your mind is there because you're depressed. It isn't the other way round.
What will help get it out is good food, fresh air, sound sleep, spending some time every day (even five minutes!) doing something to improve your life. Just picking a couple of extra things off the floor counts! Getting more good things in your life is very important. I suggested work ... also excellent for your state of mind would be study or volunteering in your community. Instead of feeling put-upon when you do for your family, you'll be amazed at how much stronger and better you feel when you choose to do the same things for others.
If there are traumas, past experiences which are still alive in your mind, the right kind of therapist can help. NLP, hypnotherapy or human givens therapy -- be sure that whoever you see does EMDR or Rewind. Just talking over and over traumatic experiences can -- how did you guess -- just make them worse. Also useful is the Emotional Freedom Technique.
Feeling depressed is perpetuated by self-talk. Imagine someone is always whispering in your ear 'You're worthless, useless, no-one cares for you, you're fat ..." Well someone is, and it's you!
Think Right Now CDs work surprisingly quickly and effectively to replace those dreary, painful thoughts with more useful, productive and cheerful ones. Give them a try!
All best wishes,
Jane
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