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When I became pregnant, my husband wanted out |
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Dear Jane,
My husband and I were together for nine years and now we have been married for three. We started out struggling with financial matters and we were still young and wanted to party. By the time we were married (at 31 years of age) everything was coming together. We both now have decent jobs and a year ago just bought a house together. We have talked about having kids and have been trying to conceive for about a year now.
Last week I finally had some baby news for him, that I was five weeks pregnant. Instead of being happy, he become very upset and withdrawn. He told me he never wanted kids and that he has been thinking for a while to ask me for a separation. He can't really give me an explanation. I know sometimes people just grow apart but that 's what I asked him and he said it wasn't that either! Do you think I can talk to him without him thinking that I am nagging him or should I just let him go? I really want to work this out! And, by the way, I miscarried today.
Julie
Dear Julie,
You have all my sympathy. You must feel as though your world has come crashing around your ears. Your marriage wasn’t the solid foundation you thought. When you needed support from your husband through your pregnancy and now, so sadly, your miscarriage -- you found he wasn’t someone you could lean on.
We could speculate forever about why your husband wants out. At the beginning of a breakup we all play the blame game. Either the other party was totally at fault. Or we were. This is natural, unrealistic and futile. There are always lessons to be learnt, sure, but right now education is not your priority.
So do I think it’s worth talking calmly to your husband to ask him why he wants out? No. When you told him you were pregnant, he said he wanted to leave you … abandon you at the most vulnerable time in a woman’s life. He may have been a great party guy a few years ago. You have grown up. He has not. He is not a man in the important sense of the word. Not ready for commitment, for parenthood. Not ready, as parents must be, to put some of his needs on the back burner while he nurtures his children. Not ready to be a rock for his family.
You want children. He is not father material. Simple. Cut your losses. Right now, after this stress and losing your unborn child, I’m sure you can’t envisage a fresh start. But there is a new future waiting for you. For now, gather all your resources to help you through this time ... family, friends, work, coping with the many practicalities of sorting your life out. If you’re offered counselling to help you with grief, let yourself be soothed.
This would be a good time to focus on who you are, away from your husband. I suggest you do the VIA (Values in Action) questionnaire at positive psychology guru Martin Seligman’s website. The link is on the right of the home page, under Announcements. The questionnaire will throw up your main talents, the areas where you need to express yourself. These talents can lead you towards a fulfilled future and help guide you through the pain of the present. You may find the rewind technique explained in my article on Breaking Up helpful.
I wish you all the best.
Jane
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