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He's in jail and cheated on me ... I want him to pay! |
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| Dear Jane,
II've got a big problem with my husband and my marriage. Right now, my husband is in jail. And he's been there now for 2 years. But before he was locked up, he ran around on me and got this woman pregnant.
He started bringing the baby over every weekend. We had an argument one night and I put him out. He went over to the woman's house. I begged him to come back home. He finally came back home but not because I wanted him to, he had problems over there. But I'm not gonna go on and on with that.
Right now, he's in jail and the woman go and visits him in jail and sends him money. I went down that road with him before and I promised myself that I wasn't going down that road again. And I haven't. We have a daughter 17 years old. I really want out of the marriage but I don't want to be the one to file for the divorce. He's gonna pay for what he took me through. He can't seem to tell me what he want to do when he gets out, or what his plans are. Please help.
Joyce
Dear Joyce,
If you really want out of this marriage, file for divorce. Wanting him to pay for the grief he’s caused you, concerning yourself with his plans … this is holding onto the marriage and the past. Your state of conflict is stressing and depressing … not good for you, and not good for your daughter.
See my article on Leaving the Past Behind. I suggest you turn your mind to a future without him. Right now of course, he’s not with you … but in spirit, he is. Imagine, as vividly as you can, what you would do if, for you, he hardly existed -- except as a father your daughter might wish to see sometimes… or not, she’s old enough to make her own mind but young enough to be protected from your bitterness. What would you do with your life if you were genuinely free of him, not just legally but emotionally. Not wanting him back, not jealous of the other woman. Not THINKING about them, but focusing instead on yourself, your daughter, your future. After all, she’s taken over the responsibility now, so you needn’t feel guilt at not being there for him. He has chosen not to be with you. The burden has lifted. The bars of your personal prison are melting. You can take a deep breath, stretch and feel the fresh air, see new horizons.
Remind yourself of your interests, your achievements, things you’ve enjoyed doing and things you’re good at. Work out, calmly, the things you’ve gained from your marriage (your daughter, for one!) and the lessons you’ve learnt. You’re obviously strong from coping with him … this strength will stand you in good stead as you work towards a new life.
Whenever you feel vindictive, remember, that desire to make him pay chains you to him tighter than any marriage contract … and restricts you as much as his prison cell does him. Let go and enjoy the delights of freedom and a new start!
Bon voyage
Jane
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