Dear Jane,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years. I have a 9-year-old step son and a 2-year-old son.
Our problems started since our 2 year old son was born. We argue every day and sex is non-existent. I try to kiss but she won’t, she says she hates herself at the moment and is about a stone overweight. I always say she looks nice but she won’t listen. She has seen a doctor but he just said, start exercising and you will feel better. But she has no get up and go and takes everything out on me. I know she’s tired as the little one is a clingy baby and the 9-year-old doesn't listen to her -- or anyone, come to that.
I feel quite low myself, as I’m always trying to rekindle the romance but being rejected.
I don't know if I’m staying because of my son or because i do love her. I think I do love her but if the opportunity arose to cheat I think I would take it, so what does that mean?
We live in a house that I owned three years before we met. I’m coming into a bit of money soon and the plan is to buy a big house together. But then her name would be on the mortgage, and ‘m worried if we split she will have half of if.
We almost break up weekly but she has nowhere to go and I won’t leave her in my house but I don't want my son out of the house either.
Would it be better for all parties to end it now? I would still want to see my kids every day.
L
Dear L,
If you read the previous letter and reply, you’ll realise that your wife is depressed. This is pretty common with young children, as so much of your girlfriend’s life has to be put on hold till your son is older. When people are depressed their self-esteem and confidence drops and they always find something to dislike about themselves. In your girlfriend’s case, her weight. But the weight isn’t the issue, the self-esteem isn’t the issue … both will sort themselves out when she is less depressed.
Her doctor, fortunately, has not put her on anti-depressants so she does not have those to contend with. For her and both her children, the clingy toddler and the stroppy 9-year-old, Omega-3 is essential (there are various products whose taste children will accept). It aids the children’s brain growth and development and in numerous trials can also improve theirs behaviour, both confidence and concentration - especially if fizzy drinks, sweets and junk foods are also removed or strongly limited in their diet. It also has an antidepressant effect.
If your health professional agrees (I’m not a doctor or nutritionist, see disclaimer), add 5-HTP from your health shop (it should not be taken with antidepressants) and try a bottle of stress-relieving and antidepressant rhodiola rosea. A good B-complex is crucial as well. Magnesium can also be lacking when people are depressed and sometimes magnesium alone can have a powerful antidepressant effect. If your girlfriend is ‘twitchy’ or fidgety, or gets cramps, buy a good brand of magnesium supplement. Make sure she’s eating properly.
She might benefit from taking glutamine (or L-glutamine, same thing) mid-morning and mid-afternoon to keep her blood sugar stable. Depressed people often crave sweet starchy foods in a desperate attempt to raise their blood sugar and serotonin levels … but this causes blood sugar swings and slumps which can leave people tearful, irritable and anxious. 5-HTP (professionals like Julia Ross, author of The Mood Cure, would recommend up to two, three times a day) will give your girlfriend the raw material her brain can use to make serotonin -- provided there are enough B vitamins -- and the Omega 3 will help her brain make good use of it once she’s got it. Crudely put -- I’m not a nutritionist! -- but fundamentally accurate!
But pills are only part of the picture. They should lift the gloom enough for your girlfriend to realise there’s light and life out there, and help her find the energy and appetite to reach out for it. But it is for both of you to find ways that she can bring interest, pleasure, companionship, achievement back into her life. If you can give her a daily break from childcare, even for an hour or two, that will help. And focus her mind on what sort of job, maybe part-time, she would find rewarding when the toddler is old enough for nursery. Your doctor is right, of course, exercise, even a brisk walk, will help her feel better.
So often young children leave a mother depressed, as her life, needs and personality are swamped in childcare and housework. Imagine how you would feel, if you had to spend your days as she does …
I feel that when you get through this present difficult time your relationship will stabilise. If you leave your girlfriend, you won’t be seeing your son every day … that just doesn’t happen. You’ll find another girlfriend, of course (though you won’t have so much to spend on her, since you’ll be paying childcare), but when she has a child exactly the same thing is likely to happen again! The fact is that having a child irrevocably changes the nature of a relationship … and satisfaction in it drops for a while. This is life, and coping with the various stages of life is essential for maturity and growth.
Really concentrate on non-demanding, warm, friendly time with your girlfriend. A period of not wanting sex is very normal after childbirth anyway (nature’s way of ensuring that one child is walking and relatively independent before the next is born), and feeling depressed is also a turn-off. So don’t feel rejected, this isn’t personal, just be patient. As she comes back into life, she’ll begin to respond to you again and you can build a relationship as parents now, not just lovers. Different, but ultimately more rewarding.
Best wishes,
Jane
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