Dear Jane,
In October 2005 myself and my wife came over to the Uk from South Africa. We are planning to stay here for 4-5 years. Lately I've noticed changes in personality and behaviour in my wife. The following:
1. Tiredness and loss of energy
2. Persistent sadness
3. Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
4. Not being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interesting
5. Undue feelings of guilt or worthlessness
6. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
7. Sleeping problems - difficulties in getting off to sleep or waking up much earlier than usual
8. Loss of appetite
9. Physical aches and pains (a lot)
10. Home sick for South Africa)
11. Irritability, increased crying, anxiety or panic attacks.
I thought of possible reasons for these symptoms:
1. She has no job satisfaction. Can't find the right position.
2. Money
3. Doesn't want to live and work in UK. We did well in South Africa and now we are not on that same level.
4. I work long hours e.g. 7 days 12 hour shift and then 3 days off. Not spending enough time with her.
I'm afraid of taking away her happiness and love of life. What can I/we do to improve this situation and enjoy our time in the UK?
D
Dear D,
Yes, your wife is feeling depressed. And you’ve pinpointed the reasons. She’s feeling trapped in a country she doesn’t like, deprived of work satisfaction, she’s lost her home network of friend and colleagues and with you away so much, on top of everything else, she feels lonely and isolated. Oh, and she has money worries.
All the ‘symptoms’ you describe spring from this. The more stuck and trapped she feels the more time she will naturally spend worrying and brooding over her situation. This makes her dream too much, which disturbs her sleep and means she wakes up feeling awful, with no motivation or energy for the day. Spending too much time in dream sleep also means there’s not enough restorative sleep. Her serotonin levels are low and that plus the sleep disturbance accounts for the aches and pains.
The answer is simple. She’s suffering from a sort of mental starvation. She has vital human needs and right now they aren’t being met. So what are these needs, which we all share?
• We need security, and room and opportunity to unfold and develop.
• We need a sense of autonomy and control in our lives. Feeling helpless and powerless is often at the root of depression.
• We need a feeling of being part of a wider group or community -- like work, sport, religion, clubs and interest groups -- and a sense of status within that community.
• We need to give, and feel we're contributing. We need to feel needed, that we're making a difference.
• We need to give and receive attention.
• We need friendship, comradeship, laughter and fun!
• We need love and closeness, comforting touch and intimacy.
• We need a sense of achievement, whether it's a warm glow of satisfaction at a job well done, or punch-the-air euphoria. And achievement is a golden memory we can recall, and empower ourselves with, whenever we need a boost.
• We need creativity and stimulation, an enjoyable activity, hobby or interest.
• We need 'flow' -- when you're lost in what you're doing, time flashes by, and you're stretched and using yourself to the full. It gives us that vital sense of meaning and purpose.
Does she need antidepressants? Absolutely not. She is not sick, just imprisoned in an empty, alien life. But to help her start finding ways to get her vital psychological needs met, I would suggest you consult your health professional about 5-HTP - an amino acid form from which the brain can make serotonin. Available from any health store, up to 2 tablets 3 times a day will boost serotonin levels as long as she has enough B vitamins, also crucial for brain neurotransmitter manufacture. Since these are depleted by stress, and your wife is very stressed, a B-50 complex twice a day might also be a good idea. An Omega-3 capsule daily will help ensure that the brain neurotransmitters she produces can be fully utilised. It’s not necessaruly a good idea to get the cheapest or even the most widely available supplements, and since you are in the UK I suggest you ring Nutri-Link on 08704 054 002. They supply top quality supplements and can arrange for you to talk to someone knowledgeable for advice if you feel that your own doctor might not be helpful. (If you quote my therapist’s no, 304, you get a 15% discount.)
So often doctors simply prescribe antidepressants which can make people feel like zombies, cause weight gain, and have ‘discontinuation symptoms’ which can make it very hard for people to stop taking them. (Most doctors do not know about the research into nutritional supplements simply because they can’t be patented, so are of no interest to the drug companies.) And you might consider getting her a light box. Morning light is needed to switch our brain from producing its nightly sleep hormone, melatonin, to the serotonin we need for daytime alertness. Being used to South Africa, she may need more light than the UK can provide in the winter … many people do.
But these measures are simply to give your wife a boost back into life. Her longterm route out of depression depends on finding ways to put back what she lost when you moved to the UK. Using the above list of vital needs as a guide, explore together how, step by step, little by little, those hollow gaps in her life can be filled.
Best wishes,
Jane
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