Dear Jane,
My younger brother and I grew up in a normal family and did the things other normal people would do.
Our father was killed in an accident during 1976 which drove our mother to seek solace in drink. Things became progressively worse in our family, which in hindsight I can say, led to my brother and I becoming closer.
We first had sexual intercourse when he was twelve and I sixteen. It seemed at the time like such a natural thing to do and we carried on with it. It was however, at the rate we were having sex, just a matter of time before the unthinkable happened.
I became pregnant with my brother's child and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Realising how unhappy this would make our family, I left the baby with my mother and went to live elsewhere, hopeful of starting anew.
A couple of years later my brother came to visit me there. From the outset we couldn't keep our hands off one another. And it wasn't long before I became pregnant again. But this time around, the pregnancy was so different.
I was proud to be carrying my brother's baby, and he could openly support me. We would go for walks holding hands, unconcerned by strangers passing us by. This was also the time we made a commitment to one another and started living together as husband and wife.
When family members also settled where we now lived, we knew it was time for us to move again. In our new location, I again became pregnant with my brother's child. My brother and I decided to exchange "marriage vows" and did so in what we considered to be the sight of God. We just know that we are meant to be together. The love and happiness we share is something that cannot be bought. I know that we'll be together for the rest of our lives.
And this is where the problems set in. We have absolutely no desire of breaking up, and would like our mother to know that we have been living together as husband and wife.
We really do not want to hurt her, not after all the difficulty she has had to endure, but we would also like to tell her about us.
What should we do?
V
Dear V,
You have made your life choice but you realise that it would upset many people. You have kept moving to prevent your family finding out.
Your mother may, at some level, know or guess. But even if she does, there’s a huge difference between that and being told directly. Once it’s out in the open, your relationship becomes something which must be dealt with, maybe involving many family members. At the very least this will affect the way she responds to your daughter, whom she is bringing up.
Your priority I feel must be your children. Above all, they must not know. And if you tell your mother, sooner or later, she’ll tell them. Believe me.
A secret is a heavy burden, as you are finding. But it is one you must bear alone. This is the downside of the choice you have made.
Best wishes,
Jane
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